I think I must have been born worrying. Whereas some people seem to glide through life effortlessly I seem to overthink everything. I lie in bed at night worring about really insignificant things like 'What should I wear tomorrow?' 'I shouldn't have eaten that extra bit of chocolate' or 'I shouldn't have bought that top'. Then there's the silly things like ' Will I ever be a size 14 (my dream size)' or 'What if my life just whizzes by really quickly and I don't do anything exciting?' or 'If I die and go to heaven will I just get bored of sitting on a cloud and watching people on earth?'.
Not only do I seem to worry about everything but also I seem to feel guilty about everything. From spending too much, eating too much and getting lifts off people. I don't like to be a burden so I'd rather get up really early, get the train and walk to work when I can.
I'm also a bit of a doormat. I never seem able to say what I want to say when I want to say it and always do what I'm told. When I have a arguement with someone I hold back because ironically enough I don't want to hurt the other persons feelings (no matter what they say to me).
On the outside I seem calm but on the inside sometimes I'm screaming. Like when I take a driving test. I can't pass my driving test. I've taken so many over the years I've lost count. I've done everything from leave the test centre on the wrong side of the road (I convinced myself it was one-way) to arriving back at the test centre after a near-perfect test and crashing into a wall. I get myself into such a state that I listen to a hypnotherapy
CD and take tablets before each test just to help me get through it.
More than anything I wish I could have a more laidback attitude to life. A few years back things got so bad at home, work and uni that I developed psoriasis over my face, neck and shoulders. Six months I had to put up with people staring (one bloke asked me if I had paint on my face) and I found it so humiliating. My life came to a complete standstill and outside work and uni I didn't go out at all.
I know I'm lucky in one respect. I only had it for six months and it hasn't come back since. Also when I'm feeling low I remind myself that things could be worse (mind you you only have to look at the lives of other people to realise that).
I read an article the other day on how stress can be good for you and on how some people thrive on it. Maybe some day I'll be able to use it to my advantage. In the meantime I think I'm getting better at sticking up for myself. The other day I was arguing with my sister and shock horror I said something mean back! Of course the next day I apoligized profusely but I am a nice person and I don't see anything wrong with that.